


Of All My Regrets

by navin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Brotherly feels, Childish Loki, Dark fic, Feels, Gen, Guilt, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Psychological Horror, Thor has anxiety, it is not that bad, mostly sad, the worse goes towards the end
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 21:01:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16899771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/navin/pseuds/navin
Summary: He knew he should have stopped it,but Thor has never  been the one to disobey his father on delicate matters.Now, Loki is paying the price of his compliance.





	Of All My Regrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PlagueOfSquid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PlagueOfSquid/gifts).



> This is dedicated to my amazing friend and lovely beta @PlageOfSquid.  
> Please go check his stories, he is one of the best fanfic writers I know!!

Thor closed his eyes and allowed the scent of the rain over gravel to fill his nostrils. He breathed in once, twice; in, out, in… he tightened his fists, shaking, not quite right, no. The rain; it was his doing, he knew. In his stomach, he felt a hollow abyss, a knot. No, nothing was quite right. It would never be, not now.

He stood up from his seat by the window, and stared at Asgard under the dim light that passed through grey stormclouds. The city remained silent; people were sleeping, probably. Napping, blissfully unaware. He envied them. Sometimes he wondered what it would have been like to not grow up a prince. To be free of duties and ties and temptations and pain. What it would have been like if he and Loki had been two peasant boys. But then Loki would have never been his brother; that much was clear. Taking in the son of Laufey was a decision that only the All-Father could make unquestioned.

_A decision he shouldn’t have made._

Thor shook away the thought. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes he blinked them away, then swallowed. Breathed in, out, in… a maid knocked at his door. He felt his heart beating rapidly inside his chest, dizzyingly so. His legs felt weak, his mind. Thor tightened his fists, put on a façade, undisturbed, boisterous, content. He opened the door and allowed the woman in, then smiled quietly. How long had he been sitting down? He wasn’t sure, but it didn’t matter, not really. She exchanged a few quick words with him, only what she was supposed to, only what was expected of her. Mentally he thanked the woman when she didn’t inquire further on his sour mood. With a quiet nod, he left the room.

The hallways where a whole other animal on their own. Long, suffocating, endless, quiet. Thor wandered without a destination. What was it that mortals used to say? All paths lead to Rome. And soon, the throne room stood as it always had, as it always would. Empty and golden, luxurious bordering on extravagant. To Thor now, it just showed decadence. The throne itself gave the god a gut reaction, a sick twist of his stomach. He stared enough for his chest to feel heavy again. He held onto a pilar for a second, picturing his brother sitting there, a smirk on his face, thinking he wouldn’t notice. 

Thor wished he hadn’t.

Loki… well, their relationship had always been complicated at best. Thor hadn’t realized of course. Not until it was too late, anyways. Until it was so strained it could otherwise be called broken. Thor knows he’ll never forgive himself for the way things turned out. _-Good-_ he thought _-You don’t deserve forgiveness.-_

The blond let go of the pillar and wished Frigga was there. He needed her right now, he needed her so bad. Odin blamed Loki for her death, apparently his brother had confessed to telling the Kurse where to go. Still, Thor couldn’t find the strength in his heart to hate Loki, to be angry. Not after… 

He chuckled bitterly, shook his head once again, then laughed hard, loud, painful, until it broke into a sob. He had tried to convince himself countless times that Loki deserved this. To his previous crimes his brother had added bespelling their father, trying to seize the throne by posing as Odin himself, breaking out of jail, with Thor’s help on that last one. Not to mention another charge of treason, for the incident with the Kurse. And yet Thor couldn’t bring himself to truly hate Loki. Even as he fought against him in that same room, even as he saw Loki wince in pain when he hit him where he had been stabbed, an alleged deathblow. Not so much now, but still painful. Blood pooling out of the fresh wound, staining his clothes. In that moment Thor could only ask himself how they even got there, how had all gone so terribly wrong.

After that, all had been a blur. Loki gasping for air, his own screams calling a healer, having to lock his brother up himself; kicking and screaming, forcing him to tell him where Odin was, finding another seidr master to release his father from Loki’s working, and watching chaos unfold.

Odin had been absolutely furious. Thor could feel his fingers twitch at the memory, he could still sense the fear coming out from every pore in his body, his breathing quickening as he begged Odin to just reconsider. 

_He should have tried harder.  
He realized it now._

Thor started leaving the golden room to the echoes of Loki’s screams as he was put on his knees in front of the dais, absolutely terrified, the wails of an animal being taken to the slaughterhouse. Not really, though. Thor knew Loki’s fate was much worse than that. And he did nothing to stop his father. To say that death would have been a mercy… but of course Odin could not kill Loki, not now. He had promised Frigga after all, and anyways, his brother had taken on her so much. Her posture, her gestures, even her little anxious tics, the way she’d touch her own fingers nervously… at least that much wasn’t gone. Not fully at least. _Odin made sure that would not be gone._

Thor focused now on calming down. He breathed in and out and in… and walked again on endless lavish corridors, fidgeting slightly, feeling weakness in his legs, in his entire being. He tried hard not to cry. He couldn’t. Not now. _Why cry over spilled milk?_ Loki would have said.

_“Loki Laufeyson”_

He stopped before a heavy wooden door painted green and golden, his fingers immediately tracing the patterns of their childhood, little adornments made out of gold, adornments that held so much more than they showed. His fingertips soon itched in a need he couldn’t quite describe, painful, deep, intimate. A need to retrieve what fate had taken way, to go back in time and make things right. Now it did not matter… the norns had willed this so. He knocked.

_“For your crimes against Asgard and me, and given the promise I had made to your mother to not kill you, you leave me no choice but to resort to the worst of punishments…”_

Thor waited for a second, knowing no one would really answer, but knowing Loki would appreciate the gesture. Or… would have appreciated it at a point in their life. He opened the door slowly, carefully. He didn’t want to disturb his brother if he were asleep.

_“And to stop your constant plotting and scheming and reduce the danger you pose to the realm and the crown, I, Odin All-Father…”_

Thankfully Loki was awake. Sitting down, legs crossed, facing the crackling fire in front of his bed. In his lap was a soft teddy bear that had been recently recovered from a chest in their old playroom and on his lips, a small innocent smile. He turned around when he realized Thor had come in. The smile became wider and he giggled.

_“Strip you of all your adult mental faculties in order to render you incapable of causing more damage.”_

Loki stood up and ran to Thor, hugging him tight, laughter filled the place, childish, broken and so fucking wrong.

“Big Brother! You came to play!” He chimed joyfully.

“ Of course Lo, I said I would come. Didn’t I, little one?” Thor managed to answer with a sad smile.

He petted Loki’s hair softly and went to he shut the door behind them. His brother wouldn’t want anyone to see him this way, after all. But it wasn’t like he’d really know now.

Still, Thor did close it, as a silent tear fell down his cheek.


End file.
